


Guilt

by overlycompensatedapprentice



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anne needs a hug, F/M, Fire, Fluff, Guilt, Hospital, Love, Waiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 13:50:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13637556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overlycompensatedapprentice/pseuds/overlycompensatedapprentice
Summary: Anne waits by Phillip's bedside, praying for him to wake up as guilt crushes her. After all, Anne knows she has a lot to be guilty for.





	Guilt

What Anne Wheeler felt was worse than pain, worse than sorrow or anger or any other emotion she could name that was crashing down on her right then. It was an overwhelming, suffocating feeling of guilt. 

It was bad enough that the circus was burning, that was the only home Anne had ever known. But buildings could be fixed, rebuilt. Phillip was in that building, he had run back in for her. He’d thought she was trapped. And now he was trapped in there, alone. Buildings could be rebuilt, broken items replaced. But people could not be rebuilt or replaced, especially not someone like Phillip. 

The sight of Phillip’s limp form, carried out of that burning building by Barnum only elicited one thought from her mind. This is all my fault. 

As Barnum set him down as gently as he could Anne’s heart was racing. Phillip looked...he looked like he was dead. 

His body was covered in burns, his immaculate white shirt torn half off, ripped and burned. He was cut and bruised all over, and one particularly nasty gash on his forehead was still bleeding, but too slowly, the red liquid oozing from the wound instead of gushing or simply stopping. 

Anne barely registered Helen and Caroline’s sobs of Phillip’s name as Barnum quickly placed two fingers against an unburned part of his neck and checked his pulse. Anne begged every god, every spirit she could think of to spare him. He had run back into that building for her, because he’d loved her. If he died, it would be on her conscience. 

P.T. said something Anne barely heard over the sound of her own thoughts, something about Phillip still breathing. Anne almost didn’t believe it. Barnum helped the firefighters lift him onto a stretcher, and an involuntary noise of pain escaped Phillip’s lips, even as he was unconscious. That little moan of pain made Anne want to scream out loud, scream until she couldn’t scream anymore. 

But it wasn’t just the fact that he had run into the flames for her that guilt was crushing Anne like a vice as she sat beside him in the hospital, Barnum had given her a ride in his carriage, after the others promised they’d be along. 

Phillip had done this because he loved her, not only that, he believed in her, in them. He had blindly trusted the possibility that they could be together, no matter what anyone else said. She hadn’t believed in him, in them. She had pushed him away, and that had hurt him. Now, Anne may never get a chance to make up for that. 

That first night in the hospital, the others joined them. 

It was Lettie, Charles, Anne and W.D., all sitting together and looking morosely down at their friend in silence. 

Anne had told them the doctors’ verdict before falling into silence. Phillip had been treated to the best of their ability: the cuts and burns cleaned, the outer damage repaired so that the man wouldn’t bleed to death. The biggest problem was his breathing, they’d told her. If his breathing showed any signs of stopping... well, Anne should tell them but they didn’t know how much they could do.

“Damn it,” Charlie had murmured when he first saw him, head bowed. “Idiotic brave heroic idiot.” 

That about summed it up. 

Anne had barely spoken the entire time that they were there with her, she just stared blankly down at Phillip. Making sure his chest still rose and fell, however slowly. The others had mostly let her alone, knowing that any attempt to speak to her would simply be met with more silence. 

“Anne,” Lettie said finally. “It’s gonna be okay. Phillip’s strong, he’ll make it.” 

That’s when Anne broke. She had tried to hold her sobbing back in the presence of Barnum and her friends, but the concern in Lettie’s voice, the doubt she was trying to conceal, that’s what broke her. Phillip didn’t look like he‘d ever wake up. 

Anne had none of her previous apprehension about crying now, she just started to sob. These were her family, if she couldn’t cry around them, she couldn’t ever cry. W.D. put his compassionate arms around his little sister. 

“This is my fault,” Anne sobbed. “This is all my fault.” 

“Oh, honey,” Lettie began to cry as well, tears that she had been trying so hard to hold back spilling over. “Don’t you think like that. If Phillip heard you what would he say? He wouldn’t want you to think like that, he wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.” 

“Look at him!” Anne burst out. “Phillip can’t say anything, he can’t hear anything. He’s dying in a hospital bed because he was trying to save me! Because he believed in us, in me! And I did nothing but hurt him! Did nothing but push him away!” 

There was a bout of silence, then Anne simply began to sob into W.D.’s arms. She had never felt like this before, a million emotions crashing down on her at once. The worry, the fear, the sorrow, the anger....the guilt. 

“I’m sorry for shouting,” she said finally. “That was uncalled for.” 

Lettie didn’t look angry with her, her expression just darkened even more as she looked from the still Phillip, to the sobbing Anne, and back. “You don’t have to apologize.” 

“You’d better wake up, Carlyle, you hear that?” she whispered to him. “You better come back, to the circus, to us. Can’t have a show without a ringmaster. We need you. Anne needs you.” 

“We should go,” W.D. said, his tone of voice strange. Anne could usually tell what he was thinking, but this time she was at a loss. But there was no mistaking. Something had changed in W.D’s opinion of the ringmaster. “The doctors are starting to glare.” 

“I’m not leaving,” Anne said quickly, the words spilling out. “I have to stay with him, if he wakes up he can’t be alone. He’ll be hurt and scared and…” 

Lettie stopped her with a bone-crushing hug. “It’s alright, Anne, we get it.” She let go and gave Phillip one last sorrowed glance. “Just take care of yourself, alright?” 

Anne didn’t seem to hear her, she had dropped back into her silent vigil over Phillip, the only difference being the tears that now wet her face. 

Lettie’s words echoed in her mind as she gently wiped the soot and blood from Phillip’s face. At her request, the nurse had brought Anne a bowl of water and a washcloth, enabling her to wipe what she could off Phillip’s face. 

We need you. Anne needs you. 

She was right, of course. Anne did need him. She needed him more than she had ever wanted to admit. And looking down at him, Anne Wheeler finally accepted that whatever it came with, as long as they had each other, it would be okay. A little late. 

“You were right,” Anne whispered, taking one of his bandaged hands in both of hers. “We could do this. The stars can’t control us.” 

She thought back to all those months ago, when Phillip had pleaded with her, telling her that what the small minded people thought, they could be together, they could rewrite the stars all they wanted. He had been right once again. 

“What if we rewrite the stars?” Anne said to him softly. “Say you were made to be mine, nothing could keep us apart...You are the one I was meant to find.” 

After that, Anne just began to talk. She spoke of lovely things. Of the circus, of late nights and card games, of the Barnums, and how his little sisters adored him. She spoke of P.T. and Charity and how proud they were of his skill as a ringmaster. Of all of Phillip’s circus friends and how worried they were. And she spoke of their future: a future that could be theirs. Of apartments and weddings, of late nights looking up at the stars. Perhaps a puppy...or a child. 

Or perhaps she had deprived him, and herself, of that beautiful future she'd spoken of. The guilt began to descend once again. It had gone as Anne had talked, but now she remembered where she was. 

Anne didn’t realize how long she had talked for. It was now morning. 

"You just need to wake up,” She whispered. “Please wake up. You have so much to live for.” 

Anne blinked back more tears and was surprised. She thought she had cried dry. 

"Phillip, I'm sorry." Her voice had broken long ago. She could barely speak above a whisper. "I'm so sorry." 

That’s when his fingers twitch in hers. 

Phillip’s eyes fluttered open, his cerulean ones, thought glazed with pain, taking in Anne’s face. “You’re here.” 

Another feeling replaced the guilt. Pure ecstasy, and relief that he was awake. He was here. He had come back to her. 

Anne couldn’t take it anymore. She leaned over and kissed him. Kissed him to tell him that for all the times she pushed him away, all the times she hadn’t believed, she still loved him with all her heart. 

“Phillip, I’m so sorry.” Anne finally pulled away from him, caressing his face gently, trying not to cause him pain. 

“Don’t,” Phillip groaned. “Don’t you dare blame this on yourself. Nobody forced me to run in there.” 

“I know, but I could have lost you, and I haven’t gotten the chance to say…the chance to say that I...” Anne barely could get the words out, looking at his face, those beautiful blue eyes, that burnt skin. She couldn’t even get the words out about how she felt. 

“Love you?” Phillip asked, hope rising in his eyes. “The feeling is certainly mutual.” 

Anne laughed out loud. It felt wonderful to laugh, to smile, to feel this happy. “Yeah, that.” Anne leaned down and kissed him again. In her kiss there was a promise as powerful as a wedding vow. She, Anne Wheeler, would never push Phillip Carlyle away again. She would tell him she loved him from now on, no matter what anyone else thought. She was never letting him go. 

To that promise she held.


End file.
